I am on maternity leave. I have spent the last 10 months thinking about, worrying about, stressing and obsessing about finding good quality part-time childcare for two kids. I scoured the Internet. I worked all my networks of other moms and friends. I called four dayhome agencies. I joined playgroups to expand my network, hoping to find... something, some lead. I talked to other mom's that were looking for part-time care, suggesting that we apply together as a total full time spot. I talked to dayhome ladies. I visited several daycares, some of them more than once. I searched online sites that rated daycares. I looked up which daycares were accredited, which one's were not for profit. I continually unloaded my woes and stress upon my friends and family. I made lists of dayhomes, lists of daycares, fully describing the details and pros and cons of each. I made phone calls, and follow up phone calls. I nagged.

Then it happened.

We secured two part-time spots in my top rated daycare on all my lists. The one that had the most independent recommendations (three). The one with a long waiting list due to high demand. The one that is BOTH accredited AND not for profit. The one where 80% of staff have Early Childhood Development Level 3, and all of them have first aid. The one where breakfast is included. The one that is attached to the Elementary school that John will be attending. The one that is right down the street from us, that can be seen from our frontyard. This is the one we got into. It was a childcare miracle.

I was so excited that I literally started jumping up and down once I got off the phone. I had done it, the hard work paid off.

Then.

Then Mike came home and rained on my parade. He was not comfortable with daycare, and did not want to pay the $850 fee per month. He thought it was too expensive and that his parents should take them.

I reminded him that his parents have not offered to take them, and that it is a lot of work, and that if they wanted to take them, they would have offered by now.

So then he secretly went and had a long phone conversation with his dad, who then went and had a long conversation with his mom. So then his mom calls me.

She offers to take the kids.

I don't know what to think. I have been so geared towards the daycare solution, and so emotionally invested in it, that my first reaction is thanks, but no thanks. There are several other reasons for this, including the fact that they live 20 minutes away and with drop offs and picking up, it will take and hour each way to get to and from work. Also, John will not get the benefits of the social environment. Also Mike was not very good at picking up John on time last time, causing frustration and fights. I will see my kids less with this option.

But they will be cared for by people who love them.

But. But there are so many buts. I will feel an overwhelming burden of debt to them, for doing this. It is something that I cannot repay. I don't like this feeling. I also know that they will try and get the kids to stay overnight, which I do NOT want to happen.

The daycare option seemed so easy. We have to drive past it on the way to work for goodness sakes. It would be awesome for John. He would be set up for kindergarten when the time comes, as it is attached to the school.

But Charlotte. She just may be better off with her grandparents than with daycare workers at this young age. She cannot talk yet, cannot tell me if she does not like it. Will they hold her, rock her, pat her, play with her? Will she sit quietly in the corner and not get enough attention?

Mike's dad has said that he would help, so that it would not be so much work for his mom. But I know her, she will just go and do the things that need doing, she will not wait around for someone else to do them. I feel like she will still have the majority of the work, and that she has been guilted into taking the kids against really wanting to, by both Mike's dad and Mike. It is easy for them to say, either of them do not know the true amount of work involved.

If she really wanted to take them, she would have offered months ago. She knew I was stuggling to find care. She knew it was a big stress for me, we talked about it. She did not offer. It is her retirement, she should not have to work through it. And they will still see the kids one day per week most weeks.

It comes down, at the essense, the $850 per month fee and the care of Charlotte at this young age. I am comfortable with both. Mike is not.

So if I cave and go with the grandparent care, then I feel a debt to Mike's parents, I feel bad that Freda is doing something that she really does not want to (or she would have offered earlier), I feel bad that we are taking up babysitting bandwidth for Mike's brother's four kids and that they will secretly resent us for it, I will be annoyed at all the driving and I know it will cause fights with Mike when he brings the kids home late in the evening and lobbies for sleepovers.

If I hold my own and press for daycare, Mike will be pissed. He will be mad about the cash, and has threatened that I can go ahead and pay for it then by myself. He will hold it against me. He will make me feel guilty about leaving Charlotte. And we will pay about $10 thousand per year for care.

So I am confused. I can't decide which path to go down. There are pros and cons of each and I cannot sort it out in my head. What is best for the children? I honestly don't know. The daycare environment is rich with learning, the grandparent environment is rich with love.

What should I do?