Worthwhile.

Do I ever really know who I am or where I am going in this life?

The version of my former self, my interests, my friends, my life.... my schooling, my career, my family... how has that all changed?

My minute to minute interests have changed. Whereas I used to be interested in scouring vintage shops for cool cheap clothes, now I empty the dishwasher and pick up toys. I used to sit for hours on the phone with friends, now I spend hours watching cartoons like Toopy Binoo and Cars and Lion King. Or at least listen to it in the background while I fold laundry.

Days are good days when John does not act up, when he is not whining or grumpy, and when we manage to get out of the house for at least a little while. The park. The mall. The grocery store.

Good days used to be having carefree fun with friends, hanging out for hours without any responsibilities, other than the science homework due the next day.

In University I had fun, but was mostly engaged in studying, learning, accomplishing good grades. This made me feel fulfilled. There were social benefits as well.

When I first moved out, I still defined myself as a studier, a worker, working towards my CMA.

The job sucked though.

But the apartment rocked. I had such fun there, living close to the river valley, just off the Ave, surrounded by large trees and lots of history.

I love my kids more than life itself, but sometimes I find myself getting lost in it. Who am I becoming now? Where is the time for me? What about what my passions or interests? What am I even interested in now?

All I know is that I feel like I should be striving for more, that I need to accomplish more or do more or learn more, while I am here on this planet. Watching another episode of Pokoyo or Poko or Rollie Pollie Ollie is not going to do it for me. I need to feel engaged, like my mind is pondering something significant, worthwhile.

I just need to figure out where to start.